


Don't You (Forget About Me)

by Jennawynn



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 06:37:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6843229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jennawynn/pseuds/Jennawynn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Memories can be fleeting. They can be forever. They can be good, bad, or neutral. They can hurt, heal, lie, comfort. They can weigh us down or set us free. Some belong in the past. Others should be carried forward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

                Six years. It was six years ago that I’d walked out. Well, six years come August. Two, I think, since the last time I’d actually thought about her. Ok, two years since I’d spent ten minutes trying to find her Facebook profile one night when I got too drunk. I thought I was done. I thought I’d finally put her in the past where she belonged. So why the fuck is she here now? Better question, why am _I_ here now? I didn’t even want to come to this stupid thing. Too many people.

                 She’s still beautiful. No, I can’t do this. If she sees me… what if she wants to talk to me? What am I supposed to say? Oh hi, you’re gorgeous and I’m a wreck. What if I embarrass myself? What if she’s moved on? Should I want her to have moved on? What if she hasn’t? Should I care? Why do I care? Is it hot in here? It’s getting hard to breathe.

                 I spin around, pushing past people to get to the back door and burst through, drowning in the cool night air.

                 “Slow down, Lil. Breathe. Count,” a warm, familiar voice. Count? Count. One. Nate. Two. Three. I can feel his hand on my back. Four. His other hand is in mine. Five. I grip it. Six. I can feel a trickle of sweat running down the small of my back. Seven. Deep breaths now. Eight. Nine. I can feel my heartrate slowing. Ten. I open my eyes and see the brown of my hand nearly engulfed in the black of Nate’s.

                 “I’m… I’m ok, Nate. Thanks.” I let go of his hand, but he keeps the other resting lightly across my shoulders. I chance a glance at his face and it’s radiating doubt, but he doesn’t push.

                 “If you say so. You need anything? Drink?”

                 I shake my head. “Nah. I’m just going to sit out here for a bit. Maybe head home. I’m pretty tired.”

                 “Mind if I keep you company? It’s nice out tonight.” I can’t help but roll my eyes because his concern is transparent, but it’s nice to know someone cares, so I smile and shrug. There’s a half-wall planter around the edge of the yard, so I head over to the far corner and hop on top. I lean back a bit and look at the sky. No stars. Figures. I shake my head and look back down before I start drifting off and comparing the night sky to the emptiness inside me or some stupid over-dramatic bullshit like that. I catch Nate looking away like he hoped I wouldn’t see him looking at me.

                 “I’m fine, Nate.”

                 “I didn’t say anything.” He leans back against the planter. “Sooooo, avoiding someone? It’s not me, is it? Because if so, you’re doing a really bad job of it. I can go.”

                 I sigh. “It’s not you. I saw my ex.”

                 “Wait, Owen’s here? I thought he moved to like, Australia or something.”

                 “No, not Owen.”

                 “Jake? Michelle? Alycia? Seth?”

                 “Oh my god, please stop. How do you even remember them? I only went on one date with Michelle.”

                 He shrugs. “I have an excellent memory for people. Oooh! I know. Was it Cassie?”

 

                I can _feel_ the air get knocked from my lungs when he says _her_ name. “How did—“ I follow his eyes and there she is. Standing just outside the back door. I don’t think she’s seen me yet. Hell, I’m not sure she’d even recognize me, but I avert my gaze as if staring at her for too long will alert her to my presence. “Fuck.”

                 “Wait, I didn’t even know you two dated. Does she even like girls?”

                 Oh. Shit. “Can you just pretend this conversation never happened?”

                 “I can…. If you tell me more first,” he grins.

                 “It’s not my story to tell,” I reply softly. I look back up and she’s still standing there, using one hand to hold her phone and the middle finger of her right to manipulate the touch screen. Probably texting someone. I look away again.

                 I remember how she looked six years ago, watching me collect my things. She’s still beautiful. She’d be… thirty now. She’s probably married to some guy and has two kids. Or maybe she’s gotten into executive management for some big company. Or someone finally discovered that voice and she’s fronting a band.

                 What have I done in the meantime? I’ve let my muscles turn to thirty pounds of extra fluff. I can barely get out of bed most days. I’m not going anywhere or doing anything. All my big dreams and plans have--

                 “You still with me, Lil?”

                 I catch the sniffle before it betrays me. “Yeah. I’m just…”

                 “Tired,” he finishes for me.

                 My lips twitch. “I’m kinda predictable, huh?”

                 “Nah. I’m just an expert on Lilakai.”

                 I smile. “An expert? You didn’t even know about Cassie.” Shit. I glance up to make sure she didn’t hear me, but she’s smiling at her phone still.

                 “If we don’t move, she can’t see us.”

                 “Fuck off,” I chuckle. I want to shove him, but he’s partly right. I’m trying to avoid making gestures or noises large enough to catch her eye. I’m still not sure how to feel about seeing her again.

                 “Um, hey Lil… I think she just answered my question.”

                 “What quest-…” I look up and there she is, putting her arm around another woman’s waist and tilting her head up for a kiss. She’s _kissing_ another woman. Where other people can see her. Where _I_ can see her.

                 “Ok. Let’s… uh… there’s gotta be a side gate or something. Let’s get you home, yeah?” I can feel the wetness on my cheeks, the pressure in my eyes, but they’re nothing compared to the feeling in my chest and stomach. I feel a tug on my arm and then I’m being tucked under Nate’s arm and shepherded out of the yard.

                 I guess I have a decent idea how I feel now.


	2. Chapter 2

                I’ve mostly gotten the tears and sniffles under control by the time we pull up to Nate’s apartment. He helps me out of the car and puts his arm around me to walk me inside.

                “Come on, I’ll make you some tea.” He leads me to the living room and sits me on the couch before walking into the little kitchen to start his coffee maker. A few minutes later, he’s setting two cups of tea on the table and sitting next to me. “You doing ok?”

                “Better, yeah.” I reach over and hold the cup between my hands, letting the warmth spread.

                “Do you want to talk about it?”

                I take a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. “How long has it been since you talked to her?”

                “Cassie? It’s been forever. We kind of lost touch after she moved. We weren’t really that close though. We only hung out together when you were there.”

                I nod, close my eyes, and take a sip of the tea.

                “So you dated, then? Why don’t I know about this?”

                “Nobody did. Besides, we weren’t _that_ close back then either. You certainly weren’t the expert you are now,” I add, nudging him with my shoulder.

                I can see him putting things together and the moment it clicks. “We didn’t really get close until right around the time she left.”

                “I suddenly had a lot of time to fill and nobody to spend it with.”

                “I always thought you two were just best friends.”

                “We were…. But more than that too.” I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder. I’m so tired. Parties wear me out. Crying too. I’m too tired now to even be upset. Nate takes my cup from me, sets it on the table, and leans back into the couch, taking me with him.

                “Shh. You can stay here tonight. Just relax.” His fingers are running slowly through my short hair, and I wrap an arm around his stomach and squeeze.

                “I don’t deserve you, Nate. You’re too good.”

                “No talking like that. You deserve the world. Now shush. Go to sleep. I’ll make breakfast in the morning.”

                I close my eyes and hum. “Ok. I can do that.”

~~~

                Something was tickling me. The lightest touch tracing my jaw. I kept my eyes closed, pretending to still be asleep. Delicate fingers moved from my chin down the column of my throat and it was all I could do not to squirm. I rolled over to my side, eyes still closed, and reached out to pull the offender close.

                Our legs tangled under the sheets and I could hear her stifling a giggle. “Did I wake you up?”

                “Mmm. It was worth it.” Giving up the ruse, I opened my eyes to see Cassie propped up on one elbow, looking down at me with a smile.

                “Good morning.”

                “Great morning.” I pulled on her hip slightly until she rolled over with her back flush against me. “What time is it?” I asked as I dropped little kisses across her shoulder, brushing stray strands of black hair out of the way.

                “Almost time to go.”

                “Already?” I couldn’t even pretend to keep the needy whine out of my voice. She must have caught it too because she squirmed around in my arms until she was facing me again. She leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose.

                “I’m sorry, Lila,” she whispered. I knew she was. She didn’t like leaving any more than I liked letting her go. I kissed her, pouring as much love as I could into it, hoping that it might give her something to remember, something to hold onto and draw strength from. We shifted and I pressed my body against hers, running a hand down her side, over her ribs, her waist. She took my wrist gently in her hand and I pulled away from the kiss, looking down at her. “As much as I would love to do that again, I really can’t.”

I closed my eyes and let my head dip back down. I dropped one more kiss on the curve between neck and shoulder, taking a deep breath and trying to commit this moment to memory, then pushed myself up and off of her. I fell back to the bed on my back.

                Cassie sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. “I’ll call you, ok? We can go out with Blake and Jay.”

                I turned my head and my comments died in my throat. The few rays of sun that made it through the blinds were dancing on her skin. Her neck and shoulders remained clear of blemishes, by her request, but I’d left a mark there at her hip where one of the sunbeams was kissing it.

                “Lila?”

                “Hmm?” I look up and she’s smirking with one eyebrow cocked.

                “Distracted?”

                “Hey, it’s not my fault you’re so beautiful.” My words had the desired effect and she blushed. I sighed, remembering my original response to her question. “I’d rather just spend whatever time we have together here. Alone. Where we don’t have to hide.” Her shoulders slumped and I hurried to add, “but if that’s what you want, then that’s what we’ll do.”

                She smiled and leaned in towards me. It took most of my self-control to keep my eyes on her face, knowing I’d be in trouble if I got us both distracted again. She kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear, “I’ll make it up to you.”

                I groaned and she laughed, stood, and started dressing. I sat up, letting the sheet pool around my hips. She finished dressing and came over to me with a chuckle. Her hand cupped my jaw and drew me in for one last, deep kiss. “Now who’s being distracting?” she asked, letting her fingers trace down my sternum.

                She straightened and walked out, pausing at the door to blow a kiss. “Soon.” And then she was gone.

~~~


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Should definitely not read/write with Love in the Dark on repeat for the second part of this one.

I wake with a start to the sound of pans clattering. “Shit. Sorry. Did I wake you?”

 

“S’ok.” I push myself up to sitting and take stock. My eyes hurt, my shoes are off, and there’s a blanket that fell from me when I sat up. Nate’s in the kitchen getting breakfast ready.

 

“Scrambled, right?”

 

“Yeah. Like my brain right now,” I grumble. I hear him chuckle as I stand to use the bathroom. A quick trip to the toilet and I stare at myself in the mirror while I wash my hands and face. I look like shit. Surprise. My button-up shirt is rumpled, the collar half in the air. My short hair’s sticking out in every direction. I could be an anime protagonist. I try to force it back into some semblance of order, but the best I can do is to use the water to try to slick it back some. I wash the tear tracks, the drool residue, the evidence of last night from my face and straighten up the best I can.

 

Nate’s got my plate ready when I walk back out along with a cup of hot peppermint tea. “Thanks.”

 

“Not a problem. I’ve got coffee too if you’ve suddenly learned to appreciate the finer things in life.”

 

“Ha! Fat chance,” I grin.

 

We take our plates to the couch and sit.  “So. Good morning.”

 

“Nate?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“If you have a question, just ask.”

 

He smiles. “What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Mmhmm… then I guess I can take the offer off the table.”

 

“Woah now, let’s not be hasty.” We both chuckle. It’s nice here, like this. Everything’s easy. I can feel him looking at me in that way he has, trying to figure out how to ask something that he thinks might hurt without actually hurting me.

 

“I’ll make you a deal. If you stop looking at me like _that_ ,” I gesture at his face, “then I will answer one question. Any question. No, any question that is within the limits of decency.”

 

“Well I wasn’t going to ask what she looks like naked or how she tastes, damn,” he laughs.

 

I grin. “Have to be specific sometimes. Do we have a deal?” I already knew exactly what he wanted to know.

 

“Fine. One question, huh? Why’d she leave?”

 

“Why’d she leave town or why’d she leave me? Because she didn’t. I ended it. And don’t look so surprised. It’s not good for my self-esteem,” I add, chuckling at his expression.

 

“I just assumed… because you were so upset to see her again. Why’d you leave then?”

 

“I was a jerk,” I reply, popping the last of my breakfast into my mouth. I roll my eyes at his glare. “Fine.” I sit back with my far-too-sweet tea and think back to the day I broke my own heart… and hers.

~~~

 

“Babe, these are your best friends. I think they’d understand if they knew.”

 

Cassie stopped short on her walk toward the café. I was leaning against one of the shops, waiting for her to go in and take her seat so I could arrive a little later, making it look like we hadn’t arrived together. “Lila, please…”

 

“This is silly! It’s not like two girls who are friends can’t ride together to a group outing.” I couldn’t hold her glare and looked away. “I’m sorry. It’s just… never mind. I’ll meet you in there.” I watched her walk away and tried to collect myself. As much as I wanted to tell everyone how I felt about Cassie, I couldn’t do it without her permission. I couldn’t be careless about letting a term of endearment slip out or a touch that was anything more than platonic. If that’s what she needed from me, that’s what I would do.

 

After giving her a couple minutes of a head start, I made my way to the restaurant. Blake and Jay were just walking up as well, so I waved. “Hey guys.”

 

“Hi Lila! How are you? Where’s Cassie?”

 

“I’m fine. She uh… texted me. She’s already here somewhere.” Blake spotted her first and waved. The three of us made our way to the table. Cassie had chosen a table instead of a booth. I guess she didn’t want a repeat of the footsie incident from last time. As we approached, she stood and hugged each of us in turn. I got the seat to her left.

 

I played my part, staying present enough in the conversation, laughing at the right times, asking the right questions. Part of me ached to reach over and put my hand over hers on the table or let myself get lost in her eyes when she spoke. We were literally inches away but it might as well have been miles.

 

Then it got worse. Blake had a new boyfriend, so she and Jay started talking about boys.

 

“How about you, Cassie? Are you seeing anybody?” Blake asked.

 

“Nope. Single.” No hesitation.

 

“Oh well we’ve gotta fix that. Have you even gone on a date since that guy in college? What was his name? Rich? Rick?”

 

“Ricky! Aww Ricky was cute!” Jay added.

 

“He was also an asshole,” I pointed out. I shouldn’t be too hard on him though. He was pretty much the reason we wound up together. Thanks Ricky.

 

“What about you, Lila?”

 

“Yeah, I’ve been seeing someone for a while now.” I don’t even have to look at Cassie to know the look she’s giving me.

 

“Oooh! Details! What’s his name? Where’d you meet? Is he hot?” Jay’s practically bursting with questions. She’d probably gotten all the details about Chad or whatever the fuck his name was from Blake already.

 

“Yeah, Lee, what’s his name?” Cass added, subtle emphasis on _his_. I knew I was in trouble. She only ever shortened my name all the way to Lee when she wasn’t happy.

 

“It’s Jake. He’s…. really great. Smart, funny, gorgeous.”

 

“Why is this the first we’ve heard of him?” Jay asked.

 

I was already in this deep, might as well jump. “He doesn’t really want people to know we’re dating.”

 

“I bet he’s married.”

 

“No, it’s just… he’s worried what people might think if they knew we were together. We keep it quiet and private. It’s hard though. Sometimes I just want to tell everyone, but I can’t.”

 

“I’m sure he has his reasons,” Cassie said quietly.

 

“Yeah, like a wife and kids,” Jay repeated, chuckling. “Is he old? Is it a race thing?”

 

“Something like that.”

 

“So what do you do then? If he wants to keep it secret?”

 

“Mostly we just meet at my place for insanely hot sex,” I smirked. Cassie nearly choked on her drink. Blake and Jay both laughed, so her reaction wasn’t out of place, but I could tell she wasn’t amused.

 

“So how are we going to find Cassie a boyfriend?” Jay asked when she’d calmed down again.

 

When dinner was over, we all said our goodbyes, including myself and Cassie. Gotta keep up appearances for some reason. “I’m this way,” Cassie said, pointing.

 

“Me too. I’ll walk with you,” I replied like second nature. The other two waved and walked off in the other direction. The walk to the car was silent. I wasn’t sure if it was because she was still angry. Did I push too far? I slid into the passenger seat of her car and buckled my seatbelt. She went through the motions of driving without a word. The silence was terrifying. I had no idea what was going through her head and I didn’t know how to ask or if I even wanted the answer. We pulled up to her apartment building and I got out, unsure about whether she wanted me to go inside or go home. I stood there, considering my options until she called to me.

 

“Lila?” I looked up and saw her standing there, looking as unsure as I felt. “Do you want to come in?”

 

I pulled my lip between my teeth and thought about it. It would have been so much easier if she’d just said “come inside” or “I’ll see you later,” rather than asking me. If I went in, we might fight, we might not. If I went home… I’d just wonder about what’s happening until I’m mad with worry. I nodded and followed her up to her apartment.

 

We stepped inside and the silence continued pressing in on us, but it felt different now. Before it was stifling and heavy, but now it was fragile as thin ice and I was afraid of what would happen when it broke. Would the shards cut me? Would I drown? I only took a few steps into the apartment, feeling like I didn’t belong anymore despite the number of nights I’d spent here or the fact that I’d made coffee for her in my underwear right in that kitchen this morning.

 

Cassie shut the door quietly, walked to me, and took my hand in hers. “Lila, I… I’m sorry.”

 

“I know.” I closed my eyes and let my head fall.

 

She let go of my hand and put both of hers on my waist, sliding up under my shirt, brushing over the slight indents of my abs. “Let me make it up to you,” she whispered, leaning in to nip at my ear.

 

I put my hands on her wrists and gently pushed them away, taking a step back and shaking my head. “No.” I could barely get the word out. It felt like my throat was closing. I looked back up at her and she was blurry. I blinked and felt the tears fall.

 

“Ok, let’s talk about it,” she said, reaching for my hand again.

 

I took a ragged breath and shook my head again. “We’ve talked about it. We’ve been talking about it. We’ve been together for almost three years. We’ve been having this exact conversation for two. I know you feel like you can’t move forward, but I don’t think I…” I looked up at her and my words caught in my throat. There were tears coursing down her cheeks and stuck in her lashes like tiny diamonds. She’d gone even paler than normal and I felt my heart clench even more, knowing I was hurting her. I looked away, unable to finish my thought with her looking at me with so much pain in her eyes. “I can’t do this anymore, Cassie. I can’t. I can’t be two different people. I can’t sit there and tell myself I can’t look at you too long or laugh too hard or admit knowing more about you than I should. I can’t watch you talk about finding a boyfriend or dancing with every guy who walks up at a party. I can’t. I love you too much.”

 

I saw motion and stepped further away. “Please. Don’t. You can’t fix this with kisses and sex. I don’t… I don’t want to make you do something you don’t want to do. I don’t want to make you choose, but I… I can’t pretend that this is ok. I can’t pretend this isn’t killing me. I’m sorry.”

 

I ducked into her room and gathered the few items I’d left there, shoving them into the overnight bag I’d brought. When I came back out, she was still standing near the door where I’d left her, crying and looking at the floor. I walked over to her, settling the bag on my shoulder. I took one of her hands between both of mine and kissed her knuckles. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t keep hurting myself.” I leaned up on my toes to kiss her forehead and then walked out.

~~~ 

 

“I left her things from my place on her counter with my key a week later while she was at work. I was in too much pain to see her as friends so she stopped inviting me to group dinners. A couple months later, she got a promotion that took her to a different city. We haven’t seen each other since.” Nate’s quiet, but he pulls me into his arms and holds me as I cry.


	4. Chapter 4

“God, I’m sorry, Nate. I didn’t mean to go and cry all over you again.” I sat up and tried to wipe my face clean.

 

“It’s all good, Lil. I get it a bit better now, too. That must have been really hard to do. The whole secret relationship and the break-up.”

 

I sniffle. “I should probably go get my car. Do you mind?”

 

“Nope. After that, though, we’re gonna swing by your place so you can get changed, then you’re going to the gym with me.”

 

“Wait, what? I never agreed to that,” I laugh.

 

“Doesn’t matter. You’re going. For one thing, my normal gym buddy can’t make it today. You wouldn’t make me go to the gym all by myself, would you?” He sticks out his lip and gives me his best puppy dog face.

 

“You know I’m immune to that,” I smirk.

 

“ _Secondly_ , it’ll be good for you. Come on, you’ll feel better and it’ll give you the chance to get your mind off of her.”

 

“Ugh…. But I haven’t been in soooo long. I’m going to die.”

 

“But what a glorious death it will be,” he laughs. “Come on. We’ll go to your place, the gym, _then_ get your car. That way you can’t escape.”

 

“You’re evil, you know that?” He stands, offers a hand to help me off the couch, and grabs his bag on the way out the door.

 

I get in the passenger seat and he heads for my apartment. He’s right. I’ve been meaning to get back into the habit of exercising. I just… never find time to do it. When I was with Cassie… she loved the way I looked. She used to say she loved my arms because they made her feel safe wrapped around her. She loved my thighs… they were thick but solid and I’m not sure she even realized how much she’d bite her lip when she saw them. And God, she loved tracing the outlines of my abs, even if it tickled.

 

Ok, no. No more of this. No more Cassie. I have to try not to think about her. “Nate, if I talk about her for the rest of the day, I want you to smack me.”

 

He rolls his eyes. “I’m not smacking you. How about for every time I catch you talking or thinking about her, you have to add a set or a lap to your workout?”

 

I groan. “Fine.” Nate parks outside my apartment and I realize… I haven’t cleaned house in a while. Just as my heart starts picking up the pace, wondering how I’m going to deal with this situation, Nate interrupts me.

 

“I’m just going to wait out here, but if you’re not back out here in ten minutes, I’m texting you then I’m coming in. Got it?”

 

I smile and roll my eyes. “Yes, Dad.”

 

I get out and head inside, shutting the door behind me. I take a deep breath to calm myself and look around. The sink is full of dishes, the trash can is so full I’ve started stacking things on top. I go into the bedroom and start digging through the piles of clean clothes that I never put away looking for my workout clothes. I find a suitable t-shirt and toss the shorts because I haven’t shaved in weeks. I throw on some sweatpants, a sports bra, and the t-shirt, pulling the bottom hem out a bit so it’s not quite so tight. I’m pulling my sneakers on when my phone beeps.

 

Nate: Ten minutes. You ready?

 

I hurry to reply that I’m on my way out just in case he wasn’t bluffing. I’d have to clean all day just to be able to say “sorry it’s such a mess in here.” I take another deep breath, grab a towel, and head back out to Nate.

 

As I drop into the seat, Nate scans my face. “Ok?”

 

“Yeah. I just couldn’t remember where I put my pants. …it’s been a while.”

 

Apparently satisfied that he can’t find tears or puffy eyes, he nods and starts the drive to the gym.

 

It turns out that rather than being a distraction, working out means more time to think.

~~~

 

“Do you have to go to the gym _again_? Wouldn’t you rather go see a movie with me?”

 

I looked up from my dresser at Owen, gym shorts in hand. “Can we see the movie after?”

 

He crossed the room and wrapped his arms around my waist, leaning down to rest his chin on my shoulder. “I just don’t understand why you want to be so… hard. Girls are supposed to be soft.”

 

“I’m not _hard_. …am I?” I frowned.

 

“I’m just saying… maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing if you missed a day here or there and spent it with me instead.” He brushed my long hair away from my neck and kissed me there, beneath my ear.

 

“Oh, you think so?” I smirked, turning around in his arms and resting my own on his shoulders, shorts forgotten in the drawer.

 

“Mmhmm,” he replied, kissing me. “I know you’d rather spend time with me than with a bunch of sweaty dudes at the gym anyway,” he added, kissing his way down my neck to the spot he knew made me weak in the knees. His hands came up and his thumbs brushed over my nipples. I inhaled sharply at the sensation, only slightly dulled by the shirt and bra between us. He stepped back, kissed my forehead, and started walking out of the room. “Come on… the movie starts in half an hour.”

 

I took a moment to steady myself and followed him out the door.

~~~

“Lil!”

 

I practically jump at the voice in my ear. “Jesus, Nate. You trying to give me a heart attack?”

 

“I’ve been trying to get your attention. You’re in your head again. Were you thinking about _her_? You know the rule, Lil.” Nate crosses his arms and cocks an eyebrow.

 

“No, not her.” He tilts his head and his eyebrow rises even higher. “I wasn’t!”

 

“Ok, but why are you just staring at the weights and zoning out instead of using them. Don’t you want the big guns like these?” he asks, flexing. He does have a rather impressive physique. Broad chest and shoulders, size and definition in his arms. It’s not surprising with his job as a personal trainer.

 

I frown and bite my lip. “Do you think muscular girls are unattractive?”

 

“What? Fuck no.”

 

“You don’t think girls are supposed to be soft? That working out, _lifting_ , is too much?”

 

Nate narrows his eyes. “Who told you that bullshit? You listen to me. You do _you_. Don’t worry what some asshole says. They’re assholes anyway. If you want to have muscles, work out and get them. If you wanna be soft, be soft. If you want to be jiggly, you do that. Don’t listen to what some asshat tells you you should or shouldn’t be. Rule number one, you gotta be happy with yourself. Rule two, there are always haters, but there are also people out there that will love you no matter what you look like. Some people think muscles are hot. Some people like having extra to squeeze. What _you_ want is what’s important. So... what do you want?”

 

“For you to stop being so damn smart,” I chuckle, hoping it masks the mist in my eyes. “I miss being strong. I don’t know if I want to go all the way back to where I was before, but…”

 

Nate smiles and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Then let’s start here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it ok to admit that i just really like nate? the original image i had in mind for him was a really bulky muscular guy, but as of last night's wynonna earp marathon, he's now being played by Shamier Anderson, the guy who plays Dolls. 
> 
> I'm not sure about the others yet. Lila's name is Pueblo, and it's hard enough just to find Native American actresses, let alone specific tribes. Cassie's mostly Japanese, but most of the actresses I find for her are Korean or 5'3 and she's a couple inches taller than Lila. Honestly, just find me a real life Asami Sato and you've got her. lol You can also imagine Lindsey Morgan as Jay  
> Any suggestions for any of the characters?


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